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Health/Well
Being Article
Shah & Kishore's team of Divorce
Lawyers, Divorce
Attorneys, Family
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Support Lawyers serve the Maryland, Rockville and surrounding areas.
This article was reprinted with
permission from Divorce
Magazine. We hope
you enjoy this insightful divorce article.
Beating stress -- before
it beats you
Divorce is one of the most
stressful life events you can experience, but there are some valuable
remedies -- both physical and mental -- you can use to reduce your
anxiety levels.
By Jeffrey Cottrill
Living in the modern world is tough enough without the heartbreak,
insecurity, and trauma of splitting from your spouse. Divorce adds a
multitude of worries to your already-hectic life: waiting for the
outcome of the process; not being sure where you will go or what will
happen afterwards; legal bills and other possible financial woes;
dealing with the children's reaction to the situation; the annoyance of
having to relocate; and the awkwardness or embarrassment of having to
explain to everybody you know that your marriage is no more.
"The loss of a loved one -- whether through geographic
relocation, divorce, end of a friendship, or death -- often triggers
feelings of bereavement, abandonment, depression, insecurity,
fearfulness, and sometimes anger," says national stress-relief
expert Susie Mantell, whose award-winning relaxation audio, Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace,
is physician-recommended for stress, sleeplessness, pain, depression,
and PTSD. "All of those emotions cause stress on the
body-mind-spirit that can be harmful, so we must, at those times,
summon support from others (friends/family/health-care professionals we
can trust), muster all our inner resilience and resources, and put
ourselves in emotional 'intensive care'."
The stress generated by divorce may seem unbearable at times. But
what really matters is not how much stress you have, but how you deal with it. You must take
care of your physical self, since how you feel physically affects how
you feel emotionally (and vice-versa); you must also learn how to
adjust your mental attitude to overcome stressful periods, either
through outside stimulation and activities or through your thoughts.
Before you deal with stress, obviously, you have to understand what
stress really is -- knowing your enemy is the best way to defeat it.
"Stress is pressure, tension, or demand on physical or mental
energy," writes Ellen Karpay in The
Everything Total Fitness Book. "When your body is
stressed, it reacts by prioritizing and shutting down less important
bodily functions (reproduction is one) to focus on quickly remedying
the situation. This response is known as the 'fight or flight' syndrome.
Survival responses to stress include increased heart rate, respiration,
blood pressure, body temperature, blood sugar levels, blood flow to
muscles, sweating, muscular tension, and decreased rate of digestion...
These life-saving responses were designed for short-term survival, not
for long-term living."
In stressful situations, your body produces hormones -- including
adrenaline -- to fill you with energy. After a few days, your body
releases other hormones -- such as cortisol -- that slow you down in
order to protect you from burning yourself out. As you continue to
worry, your stress will escalate as your body produces an increasing
amount of "upper" and "downer" hormones to affect
your energy level. Symptoms of high stress that you may experience include
headaches, irritability, excessive eating or appetite loss,
hyperactivity or feeling drained, and shallow breathing -- depending on
which hormones your body is receiving at the moment.
The following basic remedies are useful places to start to help ease
yourself through any tense times.
Caring for your Body
One of the most basic ways to keep your energy and spirits up is to
take proper care of your physical health. This may seem like simple
common sense, but for many people, it takes a lot of willpower to
sidestep old habits or persevere with new routines. You've probably
heard the cliche, "you are what you eat." The quality and
variety of food you take in directly affects your body and your emotions, so improving
your diet is a vital step. Ask your doctor to recommend a nutritional
specialist who can work out a plan based on your needs and goals. If
finances permit, book a week or two at a health spa like Canyon Ranch
rather than going on a booze-cruise for your vacation: you'll learn
what your body needs to help improve your spirits -- and your quality
of life.
Some people's bodies handle certain foods differently from others';
you may choose to become vegetarian if your body doesn't react well to
meat, for example. But don't jump into any radically different diet or
plan without first asking your doctor whether it's safe for you.
For now, try adding more fresh fruits and vegetables to your diet,
and drink six to ten glasses of pure water a day. Also decrease or
eliminate fried or salty dishes, and any foods high in saturated fat or
cholesterol. Unless you have a health condition that prevents it, now's
the time to start taking good-quality vitamins -- especially B, B6, and
C, which can boost your energy and help against depression.
"Make conscious food choices. And then, savor them!" says
Mantell. "There is a special joy in eating food we know is healthy
-- and delicious. Consider the roles of caffeine, sugar and alcohol in
your life. All can exacerbate stress. 'Sugar Blues' can be confused
with a common ailment known as 'crabbiness'," she notes.
Unfortunately, many people attempt to fight stress or depression
exactly the wrong way : by eating lots of "treat" foods such
as chocolate, ice cream, donuts, and chips. These may deceive you into
satisfaction at first, but they'll let you down later -- both mentally
and physically. The more extreme form of this is turning to alcohol,
cigarettes, or drugs for comfort. An occasional drink (or less-than-healthy
snack) won't kill you, but alcohol and cigarettes combined with junk
food can only heighten stress and depression -- and they can cause much
worse maladies.
As important as a good diet to your well being is exercise. Not only
does regular exercise make you look and feel better, but it also helps
combat stress and depression by releasing "feel-good"
hormones.
"Make sure to get professional advice, such as recommendations
and approval from a doctor," advises fitness expert Teresa
Taylor-Dusharm, the operational director of Advocate Health Care's
prevention-focused product lines. "Work with fitness professionals
who can advise you on what levels to work at." If done safely,
exercise can be a tremendous benefit to your mind, body, and soul.
"Some relaxation exercises are good for your mental and emotional
state, whereas other exercise has physiological effects that return
your body to a healthy state."
You don't have to get a gym membership or join a strenuous fitness
class right away; in fact, that's not recommended if you haven't
exercised in years. "The initial form to start on would definitely
be walking," says Taylor-Dusharm. "It's relatively safe
(depending on where you do it, of course)." It also gives you some
needed fresh air -- and allows you private time to reflect and clear
your mind. "As for the amount of exercise, you will know that
after you get approval from your doctor. I usually suggest what I call
F.I.T.: Frequency (the majority of the days of the week), Intensity
(you can carry on a conversation but can't sing a song), and Time spent
(this varies with different individuals' levels of fitness)."
When your fitness level permits, consider jogging, cycling, racket
sports, aerobics, or aquafit (aerobics performed in the water to reduce
the stress on your joints) -- anything that will get you moving and
sweating for at least 30 minutes a day. Even going out dancing can more
than fill your daily quota of exercise -- and it can also take your
mind off the issues that are stressing you out.
"The primary thing we need to learn is how to find that
'resting in a waking state' of relaxation," says Marcia Bernstein,
M.S.W., a Behavioral Health psychotherapist with Canyon Ranch in the
Berkshires Health Resort in Lenox, MA. "In tense situations, we
tend to hold our breath or take quick, shallow breaths. When you're
feeling stressed, take a few moments to inhale and exhale deeply until
you're calmer. "Research has shown that there's a connection
between the way we breathe and our level of tension," adds
Bernstein.
And don't underestimate the benefits of a good night's sleep.
"During stressful, overly busy times, we often sacrifice our
sleep, yet those are the times that we need it the most," notes
Karpay. "If that is the case for you, wake up and start making
sleep a priority in your day. Sleep is not a luxury; it is an important
component of your health." Most people need about six or seven
hours of sleep per night, although the amount can vary from person to
person.
If you've got a bit of extra cash and time, you might get a massage
or other forms of body therapy at your local spa. "People today
tend to spend a lot of time sitting in front of computers at work,
where they only use particular muscles," says Marie Picton, the
executive manager of Toronto's Spa at the Elmwood. "So their
stress accumulates in certain areas of their bodies. A massage helps to
alleviate that stress by concentrating on certain muscles that need
work. Some workplaces have health benefit packages that may allow time
for spa services as a preventative measure. Regular spa services can
help prevent future problems."
Another option is using certain types of sensual stimulation to calm
or heighten your anxious mood -- such as relaxing music, a hot bath, or
aromatherapy. Aromatherapy is the use of pure essential oils for
beauty, treating illness, or to affect your moods.
"There are a number of ways that aromatherapy works,"
explains Paula Dzikowski, the owner and founder of Precious
Aromatherapy, "but the most familiar way is through the sense of
smell. It's a very subjective experience; people have different
responses to it. There are different oils that produce certain
emotions, usually uplifting or refreshing or calming." Dzikowski
suggests several different uses for oils to relieve stress: for
example, taking a bath with lavender, which has a sedating effect, or
diffusing the fragrance of lavender, sandalwood, or chamomile into a
room. "Some people scent a tissue with bergamot and put it under
their pillow, and find it makes all the difference in the world.
Certain oils are thought to be good for heartbreak, such as neroli,
which is recommended as an anti-depressant, or rosewood." For more
information on aromatherapy as a stress reliever, check out your local
health-product store, or visit Precious Aromatherapy's website at
www.aromatherapy.com.
Beneficial Mind Games
Now that you're meeting your body's needs for proper nutrition,
exercise, relaxation, and sleep, it's time to start working on your
mental and emotional fitness. "Your attitude creates stress, so
you need to revise your attitude to decrease the stress in your
life," says L.A.-based psychologist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., who runs
an intensive weekend retreat workshop on anger four times a year. In
order to start taking action to reduce stress, you need a positive
attitude to move forward. "Energy follows thought. If your
thoughts are positive and upbeat, you'll have more energy. But if you
see through the lens of the glass being half-empty rather than
half-full, your energy will be low."
"Actions all come from your thoughts," says motivational
writer and lecturer Dr. Wayne Dyer, best-selling author of 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace.
"As the Bible says, 'As a man thinketh, so is he.' You have to
monitor the thinking you have at the moment. When you have fear, worry,
or anguish, shift your thoughts to whatever God means to you. Then you
can monitor stress, which is really nothing more than your blood
pressure going up.
"I tend to use the metaphor of an orange," Dr. Dyer
continues. "When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice,
because that's what's inside. When somebody 'squeezes' you -- through
actions that affect you -- what comes out is what's inside you, whether
that's tension, fear, and anguish, or love, joy, and peace. It's not
because of whoever did the squeezing; the source is not on the outside
but on the inside. Wisdom is avoiding all thoughts that weaken you.
Then you can lose the illusion of stress."
When you're overwhelmed by a lot of work and obligations and
worries, you may tend to see the whole all at once rather than as
separate things -- and this might paralyze you into inaction. But as
you can only live one moment at a time, you can only focus on one thing
in each moment. "Live in the present
moment," advises Bernstein. "People are busy and think they
can't find the extra time, but you can take the little moments to focus
on your breathing or stretching or using your senses."
"Much of the stress we experience revolves around either past
or future concerns," says Mantell. "Bringing our awareness
and focus into the present moment instantly replaces yesterday's
regrets and wipes away worries for tomorrow. It allows us to release
every other thought and be fully present to experience this conversation, this breath, this pleasure, or to solve this problem."
In order to keep your issues from driving you crazy or affecting
your health, you should list your
priorities. Take care of what needs to be done or dealt
with right away -- and save less urgent tasks and problems for later. Get organized. Clear your desk of
all non-priorities so that only immediate concerns are showing. This
way, you will make steady, forward progress instead of getting stuck in
a worrying tailspin; focusing your mind on the problem or task at hand
will block out thoughts of the others further down on your priority
list.
Of course you can't spend all
your time working and dealing with issues. Pacing yourself reasonably
and taking time off are just as important. That's why you have to rest
and empty your mind once in a while. A relaxing vacation, even a
weekend getaway, will take you physically away from the environment
that's providing your sources of tension. When you return, you're
refreshed and ready to start dealing with your issues constructively
again.
If you can't afford to take a vacation, you should at least get out
of the house once in a while and have fun. Temporary escape from your
stressful issues will make you feel better and recharge you, so don't
feel guilty about taking an evening off. "It's important to
balance out what you're going through with playing," says
Bernstein, "whether that's sports or a movie or just a brisk walk.
Playing is important both as a distraction and as a way of relaxing."
"Today, when many of us have such busy work schedules, it can
be hard to make time for yourself," says Picton. "But spa
services can provide a relaxing escape from everyday situations.
Someone focuses in on you, and you can focus in on yourself. Aside from
the health benefits, spa services also allow you time to reflect."
A good way to quiet your mind is to meditate. There are many
different styles of meditation -- sitting, lying, dancing, and guided
visualization to name just a few -- so experiment by attending
different classes until you find one that suits you. Meditation and
mindfulness will turn your mind away from those things that are
upsetting you and relax you completely.
"Mindfulness is the fundamental principle of meditation,
releasing all else and being here,
now," explains
Mantell. "Within each of us there is a quiet place where peace
lives. In day-to-day life, no matter what challenges we face, presence
of mind allows utter calm and complete release of worry, anger or
grief. Mindfulness allows the body-mind to pause, and rebalance in the
open space of the quiet place inside. In addition to traditional Zen
practice, or TM (Transcendental Meditation), many also find great
comfort in guided imagery meditation. Writing meditation, walking
meditation, the rhythm of the ocean, washing dishes, or rocking a baby
can all be mindful, meditative experiences in everyday life."
Some problems, however, are hard to release, even temporarily --
especially if you have no tools to help you let go of them. Many of us
were trained by our parents and teachers not to burden others with our
problems, but it can be dangerous to hold everything inside. So find a
safe, appropriate time, place, and method to let them out. If your
friends and family members are tired of hearing about your divorce
and/or other issues, join a support group. "Surround yourself with
people who don't raise your anxiety level," Dr. Brandt suggests.
Professional Help
If your anxiety has gone beyond the point where you're able to help yourself,
you should seek professional assistance -- from a medical doctor if
stress is pushing you toward ulcers and heart problems, or from a
mental-health professional to help you work through your issues.
Dr. Brandt suggests seeking help "when the things you've been
doing don't work and you need an outsider's viewpoint: somebody with a
fresh perspective who can help you see your issues in a different
light." If you had a broken leg, you would seek professional help
to fix it. The same is true for a broken heart or spirit. A
professional can help you get on the right track to inner peace or
health.
"You want to have a balance between articulating or expressing
your feelings and living your life normally," adds Bernstein.
"If that balance is missing, it may be time to be evaluated by a
social worker or therapist." She recommends seeking help "if
you start to become a victim of your emotions and are not voluntarily
in charge of expressing them. If you have sleep disturbance and feel
fatigued every day, if you're crying at a lot at inopportune times, or
if you're very easily angered. Workshops are another way to do some
healing work. There are many personal-growth workshops in every area
that offer help with stress management."
Facing the World Again
Ultimately, your ability to withstand stress depends not so much on
how much of it you have in your life or what's causing it, but on how
you cope with it. "Remind yourself that there's really no such
thing as stress," says Dr. Dyer. "Stress is an illusion -- it's
a matter of how you choose to process every event. Every situation is
an opportunity for you to make something positive out of it. You have
the choice to avoid dwelling on thoughts that weaken you: such as how
much you dislike a person, or thinking about bad things that are
happening to you. If you fill yourself with shame, anger, hate, or
anguish, you'll have low energy. But high energy -- or energy of light
-- defeats stressful actions."
"Peace of mind, a positive outlook, a sense of adventure, exercise,
meditation, conscious food choices, and honest, supportive
relationships all increase the 'feel-good' factor," summarizes
Mantell. "In many cases, they enhance immunity, facilitate
healing, and promote physical and emotional health."
"When people are divorcing, they're not feeling like their
normal selves," says Bernstein. "They need ways to glimpse
back into the essence of who they are." Find your essence --
beneath the clutter that life keeps handing you -- and you will relax
again.
Above all, don't abandon hope. Keep a positive attitude about
yourself and where you're heading. "Where there is life, there is
always hope," says Mantell. "Hope has great power. You do
need to make realistic plans, but sometimes you have no idea what is
truly possible. So it's a good idea not to put too many limitations on
what you hope for. Hope makes all things bearable, and somehow gets us
through the most stressful moments of our lives. And if we are very
lucky and hope very hard, we just might see ourselves make some
remarkable changes over time."
Stress
studies
Some recent academic studies have revealed some
fascinating facts about stress and marriage/divorce. For instance:
- Divorce and
work-related stress can be a deadly combination for men. Men who
get divorced and report a lot of career stress may be at a greater
risk for heart problems. (State University of New York-Oswego
/ University of Pittsburgh)
- Males are geared
to react differently from females to stress even before they're
born. Male fetuses release twice as much cortisol -- the stress
hormone, produced by the cortex of the adrenal glands -- than
female fetuses do. This may account for men overreacting to stress
as well as being more at risk for high blood pressure and heart
disease. (University of Cambridge, UK)
- A large amount
of work-related stress can affect a marriage relationship
significantly. Job stress -- regardless of marital satisfaction or
couples' parenthood status -- can create the same marital
unhappiness that often leads to divorce. (University of
California in Berkeley)
- The levels of
stress hormones in married people can foretell whether or not
their marriages will last for the next 10 years -- regardless of
how happy or satisfied a couple claims to be at the beginning of a
marriage. (Ohio State University's College of Medicine).
Stress-Busting
Tips
- Count to
Ten. Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit -- perhaps a
park bench during your lunch break, or a favorite chair at home.
Don't lie down unless you're certain you won't fall asleep. Start
to take slow, deep breaths. Think "one inhale" as you
breathe in, and "one exhale" as you breathe out; you'll
count the next breath as "two inhale, two exhale," up to
"ten inhale, ten exhale." Then start again from
"one inhale." If you lose your place, start again from
"one inhale." The counting helps to focus and quiet your
mind, shutting out intrusive, stressful thoughts. Continue
counting your deep breaths for 10 minutes once or twice a day.
- Laugh it
off. From a tiny giggle to a side-splitting guffaw,
laughter can help to reduce stress. Research has found that
laughter initiates the release of beta-endorphins -- the same
"feel-good" natural relaxants that are released during
exercise. Endorphins also block cortisol, a hormone that can affect
your blood pressure, immune system, and weight. Rent a comedy
video or go see a funny movie; read a book that has you in
stitches; subscribe to your local Comedy TV station; and hang out
with people who make you laugh. Or pick up a copy of Health,
Healing, and the Amuse System: Humor as Survival Training by
humor-research pioneer Dr. Paul McGhee at www.laughterremedy.com.
- Just
walk away. Any exercise, even a leisurely 20-minute
stroll, has the ability to reduce stress. Make your walk
extra-relaxing by listening to a soothing audiotape and/or by
taking your walk in pleasant surroundings. Keep your eyes open,
though: you don't want to walk into traffic or other pedestrians!
- Write it
out. You've probably heard about the power of journaling:
writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences on a daily
basis can help to unburden both your mind and body. So for the
next couple of weeks, try to spend at least 20 minutes a day
writing in a journal. Jot down the details of a stressful day or
an encounter with your ex. You're not looking for prizes for style
or grammar here: the point is to get as much into your journal and
off your chest as quickly as possible. You can keep your
journal(s) for future reference -- so you can see how far you've
come -- or you can burn them as part of a "letting go"
ritual.
- Tune it
out. Slow music has been shown to ease anxiety as well as
lower blood pressure and heart rate. Try something from the
Solitudes collection; some of their titles feature only nature
sounds (waterfalls, babbling brooks, gentle surf breaking on the
seashore), and others combine nature sounds with music. Check out
the "Relaxation" section under "Discography"
at www.solitudes.com.
- Practice
Yoga. Hatha Yoga can help you release built-up tension
and stress, strengthening the body while calming the mind. Once
you've learned the poses (preferably from a qualified instructor),
all you need is a quiet, comfortable place and about 20-40 minutes
each day to breathe and stretch your stress away. "People who
practice yoga and meditation report they have more
self-confidence, sleep better, eat better, and that their stress
and anxiety levels are greatly reduced," says Helen
Goldstein, director of The Yoga Studio in Toronto. "And 20
minutes of meditation has the positive effects of two-to-three
hours of sleep."
For more articles on assistance regarding your health and well
being, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Health_Well_Being/.
MARYLAND DIVORCE ARTICLES - APRIL
2008
1. "He said...She said"
2. How to have "the perfect divorce"
for your family
3. Reaching renewal
4. Should you stay or go?
5. Conserve cash in a business property
settlement
6. Beating stress -- before it beats you
7. The art of negotiation
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